Was It Worth The Pain?

I'd like to start this entry off by having you read this article:

The Most Important Question You Can Ask Yourself Today...

... Now that you've read the entire article and the wheels in your head are turning (you're welcome), here's where this article has left me...

I've recently been thinking about all the pain I felt after my break up... for the first time ever in my life I felt what real "heart-ache" feels like.  It was awful.  It hurt more than words could ever describe.  My heart literally hurt, I can remember holding onto my chest in pain thinking this was the worst pain I've ever felt - and I was right.

The article asks What Pain Do You Want? - Being able to look back on it now and remember just how painful it was and the dark place it took me too... it wasn't worth it.  For me, the pain was not worth it, and the fact that I can see that now is really helping me heal. 

I'm not saying I regret the relationship or anything at all like that, it's actually the exact opposite.  It was an amazing 6 years together, but at the end, for me... the pain was just not worth it.

I shared these realizations that I came to with a friend and then decided to share them with all of you also.  I know my past entries I've really been pushing for you all to enjoy your journeys, because that's what is important and I still whole-heartedly believe that...

I imagine this will be a journey that doesn't necessarily "end" but that transforms into something new and exciting for me... 

I hope you all stick around to see where it leads me to next... xoxo.

How Do You Know?

We've all heard it before... Once you've hit rock bottom, there's no where to go but up... but how do you know when you've hit rock bottom? - How do you know you won't tumble farther down?  How do you know that where you are right now in your life isn't the high point?  What will happen to change your life?  Will anything ever happen to change your life?  You can drive yourself crazy with all the questions you could form from that one statement...  

I know I have... am... and will probably always.

Rock Bottom... it's just such a vague thought.  Does anybody actually ever hit rock bottom? - Besides the occasional out-spurt of negativity "My life is the worst, it will never get better! Wahhhh why me?!, blah blah blah" I think that life isn't all about your lowest and highest points, it's about those and everything in between, it's about the journey.

I'm completely guilty with the whole poor me saga.  Been there, done that.  But who hasn't?  To me it's another part of life.  It's the part where you feel bad for yourself and the people around you, family and friends, help you understand it's not the end of the world and that things will get better - but that's the key right there... things will get better WHEN you decide to make them better.  Now, I'm no pro, I'm still in the whole process of making things better for myself now, and it's not easy.

Unfortunately it is a lot easier to feel bad for yourself then to do something to change it.  There's nothing wrong with taking baby steps but you want to make sure these baby steps are all going in the same direction - forward!    

I've recently learned how much I love giving and sharing advice.  I do, I absolutely love it.  I love when friends come to me with dilemma's or questions and I share my knowledge and do my best to help them understand or get through whatever they need.  As much as I love being there for other people, I absolutely hate taking advice.  I'm no good at it.  Which makes me wonder how the people I give advice to can take it without a fuss.  Am I that stubborn? - Perhaps.

I think my current journey has lead me to a dead-end of sorts.  I suppose dead-end isn't the right term, more of a detour to where I'm supposed to be going and where I will be.  And because of this detour, I blame my stubbornness on.  I'm at a crossroads between having to completely let go of my old life that I was so used to for years and moving forward and taking that big step towards my new life. - And that's a very scary thought!

My purpose for this entry is unknown, haha.  I guess it's to share with others that they are not alone.  We're all at crossroads, some are just more defined which direction we should take than others.  Other's we need a little more time to process things before we can pick a road to go down.  Also, nothing is the end of the world, nothing is complete rock bottom, and things do get better when you want them too and when you're ready for them too.  

So take your time and figure everything out.
Enjoy your journey, the good and the bad.

Make sure you're happy and healthy...
... and then when you're ready... take that first step forward.

In Love With My Friends Being In Love

I recently got to catch up with an old friend.  I learned that she's loving her new life she's made out west, making new friends, going to school, and holding many jobs.  On top of all of that, she is also dating a boy that she is falling in love with.  Hearing her tell me about him and about their times together just brought a huge smile across my face.  I love hearing people I care about are either in love or falling in love.  It's such a great and exciting feeling to be going through.  I told her that I was so happy and proud of her, and I really am.  Even while writing this post thinking about all the happiness she was sharing with me is bringing a smile to my face.

Love is definitely hard, but if it was easy it wouldn't be worth it.

After the recent events that I have gone through with a relationship myself, you would think I would be spiteful or upset to see my friend glowing with such happiness.  However, my feelings are the exact opposite.  My experience with love was and is wonderful.  My first love was one for the books, it didn't have a fairy tale ending but the journey that was shared was indeed wonderful.  And to see a friend that I truly care about go through this journey of love with someone she cares for can only bring happiness to myself also.  

I hope for her that she has the absolute best journey with him, whether it ends in happiness or ends in disaster it's how you deal with the journey that makes it all worth it.  I hope that you all get to experience a journey with someone you care for also... I'd like to end this post with some of my favorite lyrics from Avicii - Wake Me Up.  

Wish that I could stay forever this young

Not afraid to close my eyes

Life's a game made for everyone

And love is the prize

Glatfelter Wedding

I'm sure everyone has that one couple friend that is just absolutely perfect for each other and well, Mike and Jeanine are that for me.  I've known them for about 4 years maybe (has it seriously been THAT long) and since then I've planned to find someone who complements me the way they complement each other.  Last December on Jeanine's birthday, Mike asked her to go grab her cake out of the oven so it wouldn't burn and as she took it out the words "Will You Marry Me" were written across the cake.  He picked out a flawless perfect ring for her and the next 10 months were spent planning their very special day.  I was lucky enough to be asked to be a part of their special day as Jeanine's Maid of Honor.

October 12, 2013 was the day!  I arrived on the 11th at the venue, The Emerson Resort, to help them set up and with anything else they would need.  They had planned this day down to a T - that setting up was easy and after that there wasn't much more to do.  We did put together the brides and bridesmaid bouquets that Jeanine made out of flowers from Price chopper.  That Friday close family and friends arrived and we rehearsed for the big day tomorrow and then it was off to celebrate at the rehearsal dinner at New World Home Cooking.  Everyone had a great dinner and got to reminisce about old memories with Mike and Jeanine or share new ones!  After dinner we headed back to the resort and went to their "Lodge" to the bar to hang out with everyone for a couple more hours then it was off to bed for the BIG day tomorrow.

The morning of their big day, I met with Jeanine, Karen (Mike's sister and the other bridesmaid), the mother of the bride, and Jeanine's aunt to get a little spa treatment - mani and pedi time!  This was the perfect thing to do in the morning, get pampered! - who doesn't love that!  After our nails were done and dry, Jeanine and I headed back to do some last minute adjustments on decorations and make sure everything was in place for when all of her guests arrived.

Then before we knew it was time to get ready.  Our friend Casey arrived early to help with make up and hair and she did a phenomenal job.  The bride was beautiful and I was so honored to be standing next to my two very best friends as they exchanged vows.  I luckily only shed a couple tears as she was getting dressed and was able to keep it together for the ceremony.  After the ceremony guests were sent next door to the lodge for a cocktail hour while the rest of us shimmied around for pictures.

Then it was PARTY TIME!  The hotel staff transformed the reception area into a ceremony area in what felt like seconds.  Food was served, drinks were flowing and laughter and music were heard all around.  Their very good friend Chris Jordan (who was also their officiant) and his band Mr. Toad's Wild Ride played and they were a huge hit.  The night was perfect and the bride and groom were glowing with pure happiness.

Now they're off on their honeymoon in California and I hope they are having the time of their lives.  This is only the beginning, you two have many years left to put up with each other!  And don't worry I'll be there along the way to make sure everything is running smooth :-] Trike4life.  I love you both very much and thank you again for inviting me to share in your very special day! xoxo

Miss Independent

Throughout my whole life, I've never considered myself a true independent person.  I grew up in a very close family where I was extremely co-dependent on them.  For those of you who don't know I was adopted, and it is extremely common for children who are adopted to have abandonment issues/independent issues.  So, then graduated high school and went right to college.  In college I still had the security and dependence of my family, I was less than 2 hours away from them, but I also had roommates to fill in when my parents couldn't.

The summer before my Junior year of college I began a relationship, my first real relationship.  I was young and in love, it was amazing.  Throughout my junior and senior years I had my roommates, my boyfriend, and still my family.  After I graduated I moved back in with my parents for a few weeks and then moved in with my boyfriend.  We lived together for 3+ years after that.  

You see, I've never truly been alone, I've never had to be independent, ever.  However, a few weeks ago, that all changed.  Circumstances lead us to break up.  I had no place to live (well I had my parents house still of course, but at 25 - the last place I wanted to end back up at was their house) but luckily the bestest of friends let me stay with them until I found my own place to live.  I had to essentially, start all over.

I've been going through a lot of changes these past few weeks.  It's been a lot of firsts for me.  I first had to go off and find an apartment by myself, I've never had to do that before.  Luckily I'm surrounded by so many friends and loved ones that helped me throughout the search process - Thank you to all, you know who are, you guys are the ones who helped me get through this.

I found an apartment in an area I wanted to be in, the rent is at the top of my budget so I've been coming into work early to get over time, for those of you who don't know, this is the busiest season at my job, so not only am I coming in early but I'm also working 6 days a week, jeez.  I've been in the apartment for almost 3 weeks now.  

Another first, living on my own.  As you read above, I've never lived by myself, I've never needed to - honestly, I've never wanted to.  I've been told by many that this is a really good thing for me, living alone.  It's a time that I can really learn about myself and I get to make all the decisions about anything, EVERYTHING!  It's still hard for me, I love my place, but it still doesn't quite feel like home.

Continuing on with all the firsts, is being single.  This past relationship is the only relationship I've ever been in.  Before this, I honestly wasn't looking to be in a relationship, so to me, this now is my first time being single.  Some people are telling me to enjoy it, enjoy being single, others are saying get back out there and have some fun.  I don't want to do either! - now I know that's not possible, but I don't want to be single and alone, but I also don't want to "get back out there", I don't even know how to date.  Awkward encounters, meet ups, and getting to know yous - just sounds, well AWKWARD!

The upside to all of this: I am starting to learn about myself.  I'm learning that I am important.  My thoughts, ideas, and feelings are important! - and that focusing on myself right now isn't a selfish thing, it's an important thing!  And that right now, where I am in my life, it's okay to be a little selfish here and there, it's important for everyone to be a little selfish.  Here's your cliche' statement of the day - I've learned who is really there for me throughout all of this change, family, friends, loved ones.

It might be hard for some people to understand, and honestly sometimes it's hard for even me to understand... but, I don't look at this experience I went through and am still going through as a negative thing.  I once told my mother a few years back while I was smitten by a boy and was in love for the first time ever that, "If I can look back on this relationship when I'm older and if I can remember how I felt here and now, and how it felt to be in love for the first time ever, I think that will be good enough, I think that will make me happy and make me smile."  She reminded me of this statement I made and I can honestly remember how I felt then and it does still make me happy, I had a great first love experience, one for the books, one of fairy tales.  

But just like books or fairy tales sometimes they do end, but it doesn't mean everything has to end, and that's what I'm learning now.  This is not the end of the world, of my world, if anything this is truly only the beginning.  I'm 25 and single.  I'm not tied down to anything, and I have my whole entire life ahead of me.  I can't wait to see where my life takes me and the people I meet along the way.  

My America

This is an exciting day for my blog - this is the first Guest Entry that I've had.  This is an entry about today, September 11th.  This is written by my Bestie, Ms. Anna Demars.  I'm honored to have her write a piece and have me post it on my site.  Enjoy...

May 1999, Anna's 8th grade class trip to NYC

“Where were you on September 11?” it’s a question that has been asked thousands, millions of times even, becoming a part of our national vocabulary. But each answer from each citizen varies, interwoven with individual emotions, fears and facts. I remember where I was: 10th grade, a study hall free period. Honestly, I didn’t think much of it. Before that fateful day, the word ’terrorism’ was not in my vocabulary, I’d never consciously heard it before. But that day I heard it for the first time. As we watched the screens, I kept scanning teachers’ faces, looking to them for how I should feel. Are we, here in upstate NY in danger? Do I know anyone who works in the Trade Towers? I had family in Manhattan, are they safe? Will these ‘terrorists’ continue to bomb each major metropolis until the death toll rises to millions? And, above all, who would hate us so much?

As I transferred to my next class, I anxiously awaited my friend who was in Social Studies, and as the door swung open, releasing the still-unknowing students and teacher, I was the first to exclaim that we had been attacked. The teacher looked to me disapprovingly, as I had been known to be something of a trouble-maker before. I assured her we were in fact under attack, borrowing the phrase Id just heard uttered by every news anchor as they reported to the public, still unaware of the full weight. She gave me a look that betrayed at once her disapproval of my disruption, but something else as well; underneath her furrowed brow was the unmistakable look of another emotion: fear. As unimaginable as what I was telling her seemed, she was afraid I could be telling the truth. As she, my friend and myself made it to the nearest classroom with a tv, she knew I had been telling the truth. Plumes of black smoke now poured from the gaping hole in the towers. I jokingly declared I knew who could’ve done this- China. This statement was reflective of both my naiveté and a life left behind that day: one in which I was blissfully unaware of the degree of hatred capable in human beings. My teacher answered back, saying it had to be a Middle Eastern influence. I was silent. Why? I wondered.

The day went on with an electric charge, some students cried, not knowing where their family members who lived/worked in the city were, others speculated on what would come next, but classes resumed. For me, what came after 9/11 was what made me realize the profundity of what had happened. The amount of destruction, loss of lives and carnage seemed insurmountable. But out of the wreckage came.. hope. And a newfound sense of freedom. Id not been fully aware of my freedom, tangible freedom, before this event. Id only sung the word while reciting national anthem and parroting why it was one of my favorite things about this country in which I lived. But now I saw. They hate because we are free. They hate because in the face of such total destruction, both human and man-made, we stood taller than ever before. Donald Rumsfeld, Secretary of Defense at the time, remarked terrorism isn’t about killing people or destroying buildings. Terrorism operates out of a change in behavior, one in which we behave differently than we did before, because we were afraid.

America was not afraid after 9/11. Photo after photo of men and women of all shades of the spectrum and every creed assisted one another while the buildings burned and debris fell. The impossibly brave firemen and police gathered with their units and ladders, asserted that this could potentially be their last day on earth, said a prayer, and walked in, accepting their fate. I recall in the days and weeks after the Red Cross turning volunteers away. Citizens now joined the FDNY and NYPD in canvassing the rubble, searching for bodies, and after it became clear there were no more survivors, body parts. The nation stood united in a way it had never been before, at least in my (albeit short) lifetime. I felt proud in a real way, being a citizen of a nation like this one. ‘Proud to be an American’ took on a profundity I had not previously known. From the ground to the skies that day reverberated what our nation’s citizens were capable of: The brave souls of United flight 93, after speaking with loved ones a final time, took down what was to be the 3rd aerial attack on our nation. The terrorists were not successful in crashing United 93 into the Capitol, and, even though the others against the Pentagon and Trade Towers were carried out, they, too, were unsuccessful. We showed from the rural Shankesvillle, PA to the sprawling metropolis of downtown Manhattan and throughout the country, what we were capable of.

We watched, horrified at first. Then we cried. Then we got angry. But then, we united. Out of the ashes certain things were deemed immaterial: Democrat, Republican, black, white, Hispanic, Asian. Our individual identities were momentarily erased, and we all something else: Americans. Out of the rubble emerged a new America, a stronger, infinitely more united America.

This is my America.

I am an American.

And they cannot take that away.

The view from the top of the World Trade Center. May, 1999

The view from the top of the World Trade Center. May, 1999

“America will never run. And we will always be grateful that liberty has such brave defenders.”
-President George W. Bush

A Must Read!

No matter if you are a male or a female...

or feel you are too old or too young...

Please take time to read this article...
... you'll thank me later.

25 Things I Want Myself to Know at 25

Below, quoted straight from her blog are my favorites that she has listed....

"Most of the time, you don’t know anything about anything. That was true when you were 15 and that will be true when you are 65. You do, however, know how to be a good person and you know how to follow your heart. Keep doing that and you’ll be just fine.                                                                                                                                                                  

Be grateful for that moment when you decided to stop being such a sarcastic asshole and let your guard down long enough to fall in love and let someone fall in love with you. Even if it ends in heartbreak, it is still one of the greatest adventures you have been on.                                                                                                                                 

Always make time for your parents. They might live for another 67 years…but they probably won’t. Enjoy the time you spend with them. Don’t try to rush off the phone when they are telling you about their week. Enjoy getting to know them as their adult child and realize that they still have a lot to teach you.   

                                                                             

Keep writing. Know that some of the things you write will be really bad. Write anyway. Write because it makes you happy. Write because it’s important to have hobbies. Write because sometimes, on very rare occasions, the things you write will be more powerful than you would have ever thought possible.                                                                                                                                                                                    

It is good to have a plan but remember that it is OK to wander off the path a little and get lost. You have an amazing support system that will be there with you through it all.                                                                                                                                                                                     

Be thankful that you are the youngest in your family and you have been able to learn from the mistakes of your siblings. But also be thankful that you are able to learn from their success and the wonderful people they have become.                                                                                                                                                                          

Be fearless and be brave. You are no longer the two year old little girl who was scared to go in the sand and walk down stairs. You are the young woman who has traveled the world, worked for causes you believed in and taken on a multinational financial institution. You are brave and you are fearless. Don’t forget it.     
          

Believe in something bigger than you. Something that you will never understand. Whether it’s God or the Universe just believe in something because when everything else fails, which is bound to happen, all you’ll have left is your faith that things will get better."