Throughout my whole life, I've never considered myself a true independent person. I grew up in a very close family where I was extremely co-dependent on them. For those of you who don't know I was adopted, and it is extremely common for children who are adopted to have abandonment issues/independent issues. So, then graduated high school and went right to college. In college I still had the security and dependence of my family, I was less than 2 hours away from them, but I also had roommates to fill in when my parents couldn't.
The summer before my Junior year of college I began a relationship, my first real relationship. I was young and in love, it was amazing. Throughout my junior and senior years I had my roommates, my boyfriend, and still my family. After I graduated I moved back in with my parents for a few weeks and then moved in with my boyfriend. We lived together for 3+ years after that.
You see, I've never truly been alone, I've never had to be independent, ever. However, a few weeks ago, that all changed. Circumstances lead us to break up. I had no place to live (well I had my parents house still of course, but at 25 - the last place I wanted to end back up at was their house) but luckily the bestest of friends let me stay with them until I found my own place to live. I had to essentially, start all over.
I've been going through a lot of changes these past few weeks. It's been a lot of firsts for me. I first had to go off and find an apartment by myself, I've never had to do that before. Luckily I'm surrounded by so many friends and loved ones that helped me throughout the search process - Thank you to all, you know who are, you guys are the ones who helped me get through this.
I found an apartment in an area I wanted to be in, the rent is at the top of my budget so I've been coming into work early to get over time, for those of you who don't know, this is the busiest season at my job, so not only am I coming in early but I'm also working 6 days a week, jeez. I've been in the apartment for almost 3 weeks now.
Another first, living on my own. As you read above, I've never lived by myself, I've never needed to - honestly, I've never wanted to. I've been told by many that this is a really good thing for me, living alone. It's a time that I can really learn about myself and I get to make all the decisions about anything, EVERYTHING! It's still hard for me, I love my place, but it still doesn't quite feel like home.
Continuing on with all the firsts, is being single. This past relationship is the only relationship I've ever been in. Before this, I honestly wasn't looking to be in a relationship, so to me, this now is my first time being single. Some people are telling me to enjoy it, enjoy being single, others are saying get back out there and have some fun. I don't want to do either! - now I know that's not possible, but I don't want to be single and alone, but I also don't want to "get back out there", I don't even know how to date. Awkward encounters, meet ups, and getting to know yous - just sounds, well AWKWARD!
The upside to all of this: I am starting to learn about myself. I'm learning that I am important. My thoughts, ideas, and feelings are important! - and that focusing on myself right now isn't a selfish thing, it's an important thing! And that right now, where I am in my life, it's okay to be a little selfish here and there, it's important for everyone to be a little selfish. Here's your cliche' statement of the day - I've learned who is really there for me throughout all of this change, family, friends, loved ones.
It might be hard for some people to understand, and honestly sometimes it's hard for even me to understand... but, I don't look at this experience I went through and am still going through as a negative thing. I once told my mother a few years back while I was smitten by a boy and was in love for the first time ever that, "If I can look back on this relationship when I'm older and if I can remember how I felt here and now, and how it felt to be in love for the first time ever, I think that will be good enough, I think that will make me happy and make me smile." She reminded me of this statement I made and I can honestly remember how I felt then and it does still make me happy, I had a great first love experience, one for the books, one of fairy tales.
But just like books or fairy tales sometimes they do end, but it doesn't mean everything has to end, and that's what I'm learning now. This is not the end of the world, of my world, if anything this is truly only the beginning. I'm 25 and single. I'm not tied down to anything, and I have my whole entire life ahead of me. I can't wait to see where my life takes me and the people I meet along the way.
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