Miss Independent

Throughout my whole life, I've never considered myself a true independent person.  I grew up in a very close family where I was extremely co-dependent on them.  For those of you who don't know I was adopted, and it is extremely common for children who are adopted to have abandonment issues/independent issues.  So, then graduated high school and went right to college.  In college I still had the security and dependence of my family, I was less than 2 hours away from them, but I also had roommates to fill in when my parents couldn't.

The summer before my Junior year of college I began a relationship, my first real relationship.  I was young and in love, it was amazing.  Throughout my junior and senior years I had my roommates, my boyfriend, and still my family.  After I graduated I moved back in with my parents for a few weeks and then moved in with my boyfriend.  We lived together for 3+ years after that.  

You see, I've never truly been alone, I've never had to be independent, ever.  However, a few weeks ago, that all changed.  Circumstances lead us to break up.  I had no place to live (well I had my parents house still of course, but at 25 - the last place I wanted to end back up at was their house) but luckily the bestest of friends let me stay with them until I found my own place to live.  I had to essentially, start all over.

I've been going through a lot of changes these past few weeks.  It's been a lot of firsts for me.  I first had to go off and find an apartment by myself, I've never had to do that before.  Luckily I'm surrounded by so many friends and loved ones that helped me throughout the search process - Thank you to all, you know who are, you guys are the ones who helped me get through this.

I found an apartment in an area I wanted to be in, the rent is at the top of my budget so I've been coming into work early to get over time, for those of you who don't know, this is the busiest season at my job, so not only am I coming in early but I'm also working 6 days a week, jeez.  I've been in the apartment for almost 3 weeks now.  

Another first, living on my own.  As you read above, I've never lived by myself, I've never needed to - honestly, I've never wanted to.  I've been told by many that this is a really good thing for me, living alone.  It's a time that I can really learn about myself and I get to make all the decisions about anything, EVERYTHING!  It's still hard for me, I love my place, but it still doesn't quite feel like home.

Continuing on with all the firsts, is being single.  This past relationship is the only relationship I've ever been in.  Before this, I honestly wasn't looking to be in a relationship, so to me, this now is my first time being single.  Some people are telling me to enjoy it, enjoy being single, others are saying get back out there and have some fun.  I don't want to do either! - now I know that's not possible, but I don't want to be single and alone, but I also don't want to "get back out there", I don't even know how to date.  Awkward encounters, meet ups, and getting to know yous - just sounds, well AWKWARD!

The upside to all of this: I am starting to learn about myself.  I'm learning that I am important.  My thoughts, ideas, and feelings are important! - and that focusing on myself right now isn't a selfish thing, it's an important thing!  And that right now, where I am in my life, it's okay to be a little selfish here and there, it's important for everyone to be a little selfish.  Here's your cliche' statement of the day - I've learned who is really there for me throughout all of this change, family, friends, loved ones.

It might be hard for some people to understand, and honestly sometimes it's hard for even me to understand... but, I don't look at this experience I went through and am still going through as a negative thing.  I once told my mother a few years back while I was smitten by a boy and was in love for the first time ever that, "If I can look back on this relationship when I'm older and if I can remember how I felt here and now, and how it felt to be in love for the first time ever, I think that will be good enough, I think that will make me happy and make me smile."  She reminded me of this statement I made and I can honestly remember how I felt then and it does still make me happy, I had a great first love experience, one for the books, one of fairy tales.  

But just like books or fairy tales sometimes they do end, but it doesn't mean everything has to end, and that's what I'm learning now.  This is not the end of the world, of my world, if anything this is truly only the beginning.  I'm 25 and single.  I'm not tied down to anything, and I have my whole entire life ahead of me.  I can't wait to see where my life takes me and the people I meet along the way.  

My America

This is an exciting day for my blog - this is the first Guest Entry that I've had.  This is an entry about today, September 11th.  This is written by my Bestie, Ms. Anna Demars.  I'm honored to have her write a piece and have me post it on my site.  Enjoy...

May 1999, Anna's 8th grade class trip to NYC

“Where were you on September 11?” it’s a question that has been asked thousands, millions of times even, becoming a part of our national vocabulary. But each answer from each citizen varies, interwoven with individual emotions, fears and facts. I remember where I was: 10th grade, a study hall free period. Honestly, I didn’t think much of it. Before that fateful day, the word ’terrorism’ was not in my vocabulary, I’d never consciously heard it before. But that day I heard it for the first time. As we watched the screens, I kept scanning teachers’ faces, looking to them for how I should feel. Are we, here in upstate NY in danger? Do I know anyone who works in the Trade Towers? I had family in Manhattan, are they safe? Will these ‘terrorists’ continue to bomb each major metropolis until the death toll rises to millions? And, above all, who would hate us so much?

As I transferred to my next class, I anxiously awaited my friend who was in Social Studies, and as the door swung open, releasing the still-unknowing students and teacher, I was the first to exclaim that we had been attacked. The teacher looked to me disapprovingly, as I had been known to be something of a trouble-maker before. I assured her we were in fact under attack, borrowing the phrase Id just heard uttered by every news anchor as they reported to the public, still unaware of the full weight. She gave me a look that betrayed at once her disapproval of my disruption, but something else as well; underneath her furrowed brow was the unmistakable look of another emotion: fear. As unimaginable as what I was telling her seemed, she was afraid I could be telling the truth. As she, my friend and myself made it to the nearest classroom with a tv, she knew I had been telling the truth. Plumes of black smoke now poured from the gaping hole in the towers. I jokingly declared I knew who could’ve done this- China. This statement was reflective of both my naiveté and a life left behind that day: one in which I was blissfully unaware of the degree of hatred capable in human beings. My teacher answered back, saying it had to be a Middle Eastern influence. I was silent. Why? I wondered.

The day went on with an electric charge, some students cried, not knowing where their family members who lived/worked in the city were, others speculated on what would come next, but classes resumed. For me, what came after 9/11 was what made me realize the profundity of what had happened. The amount of destruction, loss of lives and carnage seemed insurmountable. But out of the wreckage came.. hope. And a newfound sense of freedom. Id not been fully aware of my freedom, tangible freedom, before this event. Id only sung the word while reciting national anthem and parroting why it was one of my favorite things about this country in which I lived. But now I saw. They hate because we are free. They hate because in the face of such total destruction, both human and man-made, we stood taller than ever before. Donald Rumsfeld, Secretary of Defense at the time, remarked terrorism isn’t about killing people or destroying buildings. Terrorism operates out of a change in behavior, one in which we behave differently than we did before, because we were afraid.

America was not afraid after 9/11. Photo after photo of men and women of all shades of the spectrum and every creed assisted one another while the buildings burned and debris fell. The impossibly brave firemen and police gathered with their units and ladders, asserted that this could potentially be their last day on earth, said a prayer, and walked in, accepting their fate. I recall in the days and weeks after the Red Cross turning volunteers away. Citizens now joined the FDNY and NYPD in canvassing the rubble, searching for bodies, and after it became clear there were no more survivors, body parts. The nation stood united in a way it had never been before, at least in my (albeit short) lifetime. I felt proud in a real way, being a citizen of a nation like this one. ‘Proud to be an American’ took on a profundity I had not previously known. From the ground to the skies that day reverberated what our nation’s citizens were capable of: The brave souls of United flight 93, after speaking with loved ones a final time, took down what was to be the 3rd aerial attack on our nation. The terrorists were not successful in crashing United 93 into the Capitol, and, even though the others against the Pentagon and Trade Towers were carried out, they, too, were unsuccessful. We showed from the rural Shankesvillle, PA to the sprawling metropolis of downtown Manhattan and throughout the country, what we were capable of.

We watched, horrified at first. Then we cried. Then we got angry. But then, we united. Out of the ashes certain things were deemed immaterial: Democrat, Republican, black, white, Hispanic, Asian. Our individual identities were momentarily erased, and we all something else: Americans. Out of the rubble emerged a new America, a stronger, infinitely more united America.

This is my America.

I am an American.

And they cannot take that away.

The view from the top of the World Trade Center. May, 1999

The view from the top of the World Trade Center. May, 1999

“America will never run. And we will always be grateful that liberty has such brave defenders.”
-President George W. Bush